It require skills to learn how to set or respect other people’s boundaries. When people
dismiss your food choices, it can be especially aggravating. Someone would love to see
you unwittingly breach these restrictions, whether you don’t consume something due of
your religion, ethics, or allergies. Then you can hear things like, “I’m so proud of you for
eating this food you don’t generally eat,” or “Relax, dude, it’s only a prank.”
A vegan woman came to the AmITheA-hole? subreddit to inquire if it was okay for her to
decline to eat her coworker’s birthday cake since she suspected it contained animal
ingredients.
There were almost 29k upvotes and 3.1k comments on the post. Developing good
relationships is, without a doubt, a challenging and nuanced skill.
Dr. Perpetua Neo, a psychologist, offers advice on how to handle similar circumstances
further down the page.
This vegan woman questioned on the AmITheA-hole? forum if she could refuse to
eat her coworker’s cake.
“Many of us are frightened to say no, but our NOs teach others the boundaries of what
we are ready to accept in our life. People learn how to treat us because of our NOs.
When you have the appropriate perspective about your NOs, they are much simpler for
the other person to respect.
Someone else might interpret it as ‘Hmm, maybe it’s O.K. to walk beyond your
boundaries,’” Dr. Perpetua Noa adds, emphasising that having boundaries does not
make you a pugnacious person.
Lorande9 stated that her coworker Bea had previously had to be reminded by
others to respect her diet.
“Chances are they are a little bit sadistic, or incredibly narcissistic and entitled,” she
says, if someone consistently crosses multiple people’s boundaries. Dr. Perpetua
acknowledges that the word narcissist is overused, but that venturing beyond of one’s
comfort zone is a symptom of this personality disorder.
She suggests that if you want someone to respect your boundaries, you should start by
declaring “no, I will not do this” or “no, I will not allow this.” “Phrase it in a firm manner,
and don’t say it in a way that makes someone else apologize for you,” she adds.
Lorande’s coworker said that her handmade cake was vegan specifically for her.
Dr. Perpetua mentioned that she enjoys the AmITheA-hole subreddit, where this storey
was posted, because it helps people understand things like boundaries and crosscultural norms, particularly for young people, ethnic minorities, and people who have
recently moved and are trying to adjust to their new surroundings. If, however, you
continue to seek counsel from 50 different individuals years later, she believes you lack
the ability to listen to yourself and instead prefer to “outsource authority.”
Lorande9 refused to try the cake, so Bea threw a fit.
The majority of the subreddit community backed OP’s decision.
Dr. Perpetua concurred with the forum that the woman who offered the cake was plainly
bullying her vegan coworker. When asked what HR should do in such cases, she
proposed talking to the disrespectful colleague, giving her a warning and stating a
consequence if she does not want to change her conduct, as suggested by many critics.
“We have quite a few academic studies suggesting that people who have unusual
eating habits are sometimes a bit snobbish or more sad, or forcing their beliefs upon
people,” Dr. Neo continues. She went on to say that while this is a typical cliché in
parodies, “you don’t see a meat-eater forcing a vegan to eat a cheeseburger or anything
like that” in the same media. “But clearly, in this situation, the tables have been turned
very obviously,” she said.
In all circumstances, she advises not forcing one’s preferences down others’ throats,
instead following the guideline of “do not do unto others what you don’t want done unto
you.”
Others talked about how they dealt with food constraints.
Some commenters questioned whether the article was true or not.
Dr. Perpetua suggests Terri Cole’s book Boundary Boss, which can assist people of all
ages practice setting boundaries one step at a time.